Food Found on My Block

Canned potatoes freak me out. Who's too lazy to cook regular old potatoes? But when a can of potatoes magically appears on the sidewalk in front of my apartment, than I'm really spooked.

I find random food on my street all the time and I never know what I should do about it. Last week, it was a bag of hamburger buns and an unopened pack of tortillas. Two weeks ago, there was a pizza dough and a bag of grated mozzarella cheese.

And let's not forget the entire frozen turkey I found last November. Still frozen. Poor little turkey. I dragged it to the corner and gave it to the guy who sells fruit because I didn't want it to go to waste. How do you drop an entire frozen turkey and not notice???

Stop, thief!

I planted my garden back in April. I faithfully watered it, fertilized it with coffee grinds; pulled the weeds.

And I've gotten to eat almost NONE of it because someone keeps stealing all of the tomatoes and the jalapenos.

I'm happy to share, but REALLY? Do you have to take every ripe vegetable? Just went down to pick my dinner and I won't be eating ANY of the meals I planned this week because TEN ripe tomatoes disappeared between yesterday and today. TEN?

That fresh mozzarella I bought? Won't be making a caprese salad.

The bacon? No BLT's for me.

The pasta? Who needs fresh tomato, garlic and basil sauce.

Stop stealing my dinner!!!

The Things I Do For Money

This is part of an actual email I sent for work:

"If you don't carry the Pipe Dreams 'Fatty Patty' could you please recommend another midget blow up doll that's around the same price?"

I can honestly say I never thought those were words I'd string together.